Tragically, another American business dream is dying. Dog Condoms, Inc., has been forced to recall all its canine prophylactics. Apparently, dogs don't like to wear rubbers.
And the company's miscalculation in creating a line of "meat-scented" dog condoms was probably the last straw. If you scent a dog condom with beef, liver, or chicken (or guinea fowl or whatever the hell they used), I have a funny feeling a couple of things will occur:
1. The dog is going to attempt to eat it.
2. Another dog is going to attempt to eat it. Straight off Dog #1's wee willy.
This could lead to:
1. Dog choking.
2. Dog getting free neutering.
If Number 2 occurs, don't worry, fretting pet owner. The American business community stands ready to help! Buy your dog some Neuticles! (Slogan: "It's like nothing ever changed!")
I'm sure someone will be along shortly with a prosthetic dog penis.
In the meantime, enjoy the fabulous FAQ on this page from Dog Condoms, Inc. Here's my favorite Q&A:
"Can I Train My Dog To Put It On Himself? No, the dog will require human intervention each time he wishes to put on or take off a condom."
Wishes. I have a feeling "wishes" play no part in this scenario.
I'm gonna walk away now and just let the shudders take over your body. (Bet you didn't know that chuckwagon guy was delivering tubes of Astroglide...)