Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Overhead on City Confidential...

I left the TV on A&E in the living room. I just heard the wonderful voice of Paul Winfield (the narrator of City Confidential) intoning the following re: Phoenix, Arizona:

"Phoenix is a suburb with no 'urb.' It's a sprawling region of tract homes with no urban center. There's more going on at night in mortuaries around Phoenix than in any of the city's bars..."

That's beautiful. My sister, Nurse Rachet, used to live in Phoenix, and I think she'd probably agree. She hated Phoenix (and she called snooty Scottsdale "Snotsdale.") She had some great work friends there, but she hated the rest of it. Boy, does she have stories, though, from her hospital ER days there:

1. The guy who tried to kill himself every Halloween, including his attempted self decapitation with a chainsaw. (The paramedics found him lying in his driveway with the running saw still in his hand, bouncing off his exposed spinal cord.)

Maybe he was just re-enacting a scene from his favorite Halloween flick. Maybe...

2. The guy who got his penis stuck in PVC tubing. The ER staff got the giggles so fierce, the guy screamed at them all. "GODDAMIT! THIS IS SERIOUS!"

Sizes to suit any need... Coincidentally, this is PVC "pump tubing."
No comment from me...

3. The guy who pleasured himself with a wine bottle cork stuck on a drill bit in his Black & Decker. The bit 'n' cork spun off into his rectum and had to be removed by an ER doc. Upon removing and examing the cork, the doc said, "Omigod, this is great wine. Where did you find it???"

Not available in the Good Vibrations catalogue...

4. The man who turned himself into a vegetable by riding his motorcycle directly into a saguaro cactus. Did I mention he was only wearing ladies lingerie when he slammed into the spiny wall? No helmet, no leathers. Just lace. My sister always felt bad for his family - imagine trying to explain that to friends... and the insurance company.

Pretty, but lethal when struck at 60 mph...

Tip of the iceberg, folks. Tip of the iceberg. She's got a zillion of 'em. She'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress. Thankyaverramuch.

3 comments:

naiah said...

There is no way transliterate the sounds that I am making right now. Think like crossing "holy shit" with enduring steady giggling.

Stranger than fiction, no doubt!

Anonymous said...

I felt the need to point out that the PVC tubing is also ribbed for his pleasure...

Found you via DC Blogs. I like your writing. Keep it up, no matter whether some putz thinks you're "commercially viable" or not!

SteveO

Merujo said...

I swear to god, this really is the tip of the iceberg for my sister's stories. Her claim to fame, once she moved back to our hometown in the Iowa/Illinois "Quad Cities", is that she was on duty in the ER when Cary Grant was brought in, dying after a massive heart attack. They called that hospital "Grant's Tomb" for ages afterward...