Saturday, October 08, 2005

Dear Wayne Inouye...

Dear Wayne:

From all accounts, you're a likeable guy. Really. I'm sure you're kind to dogs and your wife and give your kids a hefty allowance. You probably give to charities and use your turn indicators when changing lanes.

But why are you letting your employees annoy the snot out of me?

It's not that I don't like the occasional phone call. Friends, family - they're welcome to ringy-ding me. If I'm being particularly anti-social or slow, I'll let the answering machine pick up. But I'm not all that keen on telemarketing. I'm really not keen on telemarketers calling from companies with which I have a shaky relationship, like, well... Gateway. I'm rabidly opposed to repeated marketing calls from Gateway, asking if I'd like to buy an extended warranty on the piece o' crap eMachine you sent me to replace my pricey - and higher quality - real deal Gateway computer.

And, Wayne, ol' buddy, ol' pal? You know what steams my clams? When Gateway calls me THIRTY-ONE times in one week, asking if I want a damn extended warranty.

31 times.


Apparently, thirty calls (more than half of them single-ring hang-ups) wasn't enough. It had to be thirty-flipping-one.

Script of call #31:

Ring-ring (1-800-846-2000 appears on the Caller ID screen.)

Me: Hello? ...hello? ...hello? Dammit. Hello?

Gateway Flunkette (calling from overseas help center): Hello, may I speak to Miss Merujo?

Me: This is Ms. Merujo. Are you calling to try to sell me an extended warranty?

Gateway Flunkette: Uh... yes, ma'am.

Me: Doesn't your system show that I've already spoken to several of your colleagues over the past few days and indicated that not only do I NOT want an extended warranty, but I don't want to ever be called by Gateway again?

Gateway Flunkette: Uh... no, ma'am. Are you sure you do not want to extend the service agreement on your computer? Are you not satisfied?

Me: (considering my options for going postal)... No. No, I'm not satisfied, and I've already shared that information with several Gateway representatives this week. I've added up the calls I've gotten. This is call number thirty-one. Thirty-one calls in one week. That's INSANE. I don't plan to ever buy from Gateway ever again. Never. Ever. Please do not call me anymore. Could I please speak to a supervisor?

Gateway Flunkette: Yes, ma'am.

(Sound of same damn Norah Jones song-on-hold Gateway has been using for at least a year now)

Gateway Supervisory Flunkette: Ma'am? I understand you've said that you've received multiple calls from us? I'm sorry, but that's not possible. There is no record in your file that we've called you before, at all.

Me: (beginning to foam at the mouth) This is the thirty-first call I've had from Gateway in one week. Seriously, what is wrong with you people? Can no one at Gateway competently put a note in a customer file? DO. NOT. CALL. ME. AGAIN. Okay? This is harrassment. It's no way to make a customer happy. I do not want your calls. I do not want your products. I want you to GO AWAY. Make a note of that in my file, please.

Gateway Supervisory Flunkette: (silence) Well, ma'am. I am sorry, and I do thank you for buying a Gateway product. Even if you are not going to buy another Gateway computer, are you sure you are not interested in the warranty?

Me: click

Master of Telephonic Torture
Wayne "Gateway Bites the Big Weenie" Inouye

Wayne, dearest, I think your customer service turned into harrassment after call #5. Call #20 downright pissed me off, and, this evening, call #31 turned our rocky relationship into war. Your customer service staff resembles more an obsessively stalker-ish (and possibly lobotomized) boyfriend than the well-oiled cogs of corporate America.

If this was your way of ensuring that I won't buy one of your computers again, you have succeeded. I'd rather eat a hive of live wasps than deal with Gateway again.

Thanks for listening, Wayne, hon. Cow boxes aren't cute anymore. Good service and quality products - that's what wins a girl over now.

1 comment:

Claire said...

Oh man, that's awful! At the point they say you couldn't have been called before... I have no words for it.