It has been months since I had my hair cut or colored. I have toyed with the the possibility of cutting my hair to its old 1980s length, which is to say, almost no hair at all. No fuss! No muss! Ready in seconds!
But the truth is, at my current weight, I would look even more freakish than I already do. The longer length hair is here to stay. But the color?
Well, I have been going grey since I was 20-ish. And now, under layers of hair color, my hair is almost all salt and pepper - not a cool bright white, but that sickly grey that simply washes you out. For a few years, I colored my own hair (always with slightly reddish results), but then turned to a professional for help. He's done a bang-up job on my hair - blonder and blonder, with great highlights. But the days of being able to afford a DC hair stylist's fees for color? They be over, mah friends.
I called my stylist to explain about the eye thing and how much it costs to go for the treatments. I just wanted to tell him how sorry I was I wouldn't be able to be his client anymore. He's done such a great job. Let's just say, I got the cold shoulder. A little awkward, since his salon is one block from my office. And he's the friend of a friend.
Ah well! Remember when I had that idea about celebrities adopting "real people" to cover their cosmetic needs last year?
"Actually, what I'd really like to do is institute a Hollywood Star/Regular Joe adoption program. A Hollywood celebrity applies to "adopt" a regular American - they can request a male or female sponsoree and designate a specific region of the country for the "adoption". The celebrity gets a photo of his/her regular joe/joanne and a monthly letter (or personalized blog entry). The regular dude/ette agrees to watch the celeb's show/movies and make glowing comments about his/her sponsor.
In exchange, the celebrity covers the cost of a haircut/color touch-up every six weeks, a facial and waxing once a month, and sends a "You are super, thanx 4 your support!" note (prepared by an assistant, of course). The celebrity is not required to make any direct contact with the sponsoree, unless a shooting location or press junket brings them within 10 miles of the sponsoree's home. It could be totally tax-deductible for the celebrities, and they get the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that they're doing their part to beautify America, one two-process color and depilated chin at a time."
C'mon, Hollywood! This is your chance! Come do your own makeover extravaganza! Seriously, I'd be an amazing challenge. I'm the Mt. Everest of makeovers! (In fact, there may be dead estheticians buried under newspapers in my living room who just gave up on the way to the summit.)
Alas, I fear it is not to be. Jennifer Aniston isn't calling. Angelina Jolie is busy doing makeovers in Africa, one designer baby t-shirt at a time. And Jessica Simpson is too busy selling Proactiv Solution and trying to figure out who that plastic surgery victim is, following her around, claiming to be her sister...
So, since the celebrities have foresaken me, it's time for me to return to my CVS drug store hair coloring days. But I'm not even sure where to begin anymore. I've been blonde for so long, any move I make will be dramatic and won't look as good. And I can guarantee, it'll be reddish, no matter what. So, which brand? Demi-permanent? Semi-permanent? Permanent all the way?
Guess it's time to take the leap.
And then have a good two weeks of people asking what I did to my hair...
Here goes nuthin'!