I'm more human today than I've been in many days. I got a decent night's sleep, my hair loss seems to have slowed, I finally got my hair trimmed (thank god), it's 75 degrees outside, and I'm in the coffee shop with a killer iced mocha latte (thank you, customer loyalty point freebies!) and free wifi.
All is - for one brief shining moment - good.
Except for the Gen-X/Y/Z valley girl behind me. "Ummm, like, my dad was all, 'You can't go out dressed like that.' And I was, ummm like, all 'You, like, totally suck, Dad.' And, ummm like, he was all in my face. And - ewww, like, your ringtone, like, it sucks. What is that? Rap? Ummm, like rap sucks!"
She's a tiny thing in the tightest black jeans I've ever seen in my whole life and a red spandex belly tank top, decorated in glitter and the word "Hottt." It's possible that her clothing is so tight it's squeezing all other words out of her vocabulary while giving her a full-body yeast infection at the same time.
Okay. That was mean. Sorry.
Oh hell, wait. I'm on a roll. For the record, "Hottt" isn't a word, unless you are Paris Hilton. And, since no genitalia has been exposed yet here in Fab Java Central, I doubt that, ummm like, this chick is Paris Hilton. (And I'm grateful for that - I think there's a requirement to close down and spray the place after an infestation of Hilton.)
I may never use the word "like" ever again after today. I may no longer be able to say, "I like that." I will have to say things akin to "that pleases me" or "I enjoy your company" just to avoid using "like."
Ummm, like, I'm just kidding. But seriously, could someone come duct tape this chickie's mouth shut? I think she's making the milk in my latte curdle.
I think I'm channeling the anti-Mary Tyler Moore today:
She can shut your world down with a sneer
She can take an upbeat place, and suddenly fill it with real fear
And it's you girl, and you should know it
With your "ummm likes" and little belly red shirt you show it
Loathing's all around, no need to fake it
You're making me go nuts, my sanity - you take it
I wish you'd leave here, after all
You're gonna make me crawl the wall
(And if you're old enough to be able to put the music to those words, I applaud you!)
I think I need a coffee refill. That will fix things.
And earphones. Yep. That'll do it...