Lately, my blog stats have shown an increase in pervy searches from random horny visitors in the Middle East and the subcontinent. I wish to congratulate my random visitors in Europe and the Americas (for the most part) for being a little less sexually repressed. Y'all generally aren't finding me on Google while searching for "naked arab women" and such. (However, when y'all are doing pervy searches, it's usually for something really... specialized... and usually for things that would make me give you a wide berth if we met in public. And I'd use a lot of Purell if we shook hands. Just sayin'.)
But today is special. Today, to my knowledge, marks the first time I've had a visitor from (as it's labeled in Statcounter) Iran, Islamic Republic of. And how did this upstanding pillar of Islam reach me? Why through a Google search, of course! Looking for... "big and hot."
Now, to give my Iranian friend the benefit of the doubt, he may have been looking up deserts. They are, certainly, both big and hot. Maybe he has an interest in jet engines. Goodness, they're big, and they get awfully hot, I'm sure, after a long flight. Heck, maybe he was just researching Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He's big on the world scene and a hot button topic for political pundits everywhere.
But I doubt it.
Truth is, too, "big and hot" is such a nebulous term, I'm not sure if this dude was looking for women or men. Usually my pervy searchers who are looking for chicks just say "chicks" or "boobs" (not sure if "boobs" is a well-known term in Iran), so I'd like to think this is my first gay Iranian visitor. I'm being sexist, I know. I suppose this could be a woman searching for something "big and hot" but, again, I doubt it.
Now, how this guy decided, out of all the gazillion spots you could hit via Google to come to my blog, I simply can't fathom. I did a little experiment just now to see what I got on Google typing in "big and hot" (without quotation marks) and the first link that appeared? I swear to God, it's something called "mrbigdickshotchicks.com" and no, I did not click on it. That's really not something I'm prepared for at 8:15 in the morning. Not without coffee first, at least.
I went ten pages in on the Google search, out of curiosity, and I wasn't there. I did find a recipe for something called the Big Thaw Hot Chocolate Toddy (which looks pretty damn decadent and possibly could put you in a diabetic coma) and a discussion of the Big Bang (not of the variety our Iranian friend wanted, I think) but no links to this blog. Maybe if I'd had an infinite amount of time and an infinite number of monkeys on laptops, I could have found the link. When you search for "big and hot" on Google, there are more than 42 million possible links. And most of it is for, unsurprisingly, porn. Aaaand hot tub resorts in California. Yet, this guy, hunkered down in his little repressed corner of the world, clicked on a link to this mindless entry: http://www.merujo.com/2005/07/hot-morning-ramble.html - poor bastard probably thought "ramble" was a slang term for "insanely amazing booty call." Right now, he is likely cursing me under his breath for wasting his precious dial-up time while some web-monitoring Iranian thought police schlub is marking me down as an evil infidel and trying to figure out how to access the secret messages in the non-playing audio file. (Alas, poor AudioBlogger, I do miss thee!)
Gay Iranian Man: I hope you find something "big and hot." And honestly, I hope someday you're able to find it in real life - safely and without fear. Until then, feel free to drop by. I'm afraid there won't be anything of that ilk here, but you're still welcome.
As for the perv who's always looking for "sex with grandmother in church"? You, on the other hand, have got to get a new hobby. Now. I mean it. Go!