Sunday, August 14, 2005

The Indiana Jones Guide to DC Summer Weather

Inspired by the Sasquatch's touching tribute to today's journey into the belly of Hell here in Our Nation's Capital, I have decided to establish my own set of codes for describing the nightmare of Summer on the Swamp: the Indiana Jones Code System.

I'm not even going to bother with a Code Green level. Let's face it - there is no healthy air here in July and August. The sky is a thick miasma and each step you take is like walking through mud. Therefore, Dr. Jones, let's start with...

Code Yellow:

Oppressive, potentially bonecrushing heat.
Best to lie low in your cave. Really, really low.

Code Orange:

Heavy humidity compounds the high heat. Your chest will likely feel constricted.
Best to stay indoors. Enjoy time with your family.

Code Red:

Heat indexes hover near 100F. Unhealthy air quality.
Avoid outdoor activity. Fair-skinned people may burn.
People with health problems should be especially cautious.

Code Hot-Enough-To-Melt-A-Nazi:

What? You didn't get it with Code Red. Stay the hell home!
Only war criminals and the rest of the damned should be roaming the streets.
Heat indexes between 105 - 115F. Ozone layer completely gone.
Looking out a window will cause you to sweat uncontrollably.

Code "Wrath of God":

Everyone dead. City melted. Just a sea of limp, soggy khakis,
polo shirts, and flip flops left. Don't say I didn't warn you.

And, finally...

Code Katanga:

Always cool. But seriously, if you've reached
Code Katanga,
you're not in DC anymore, babycakes.
You're dead.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"Jones is dead. I killed him. He was of no use to us." Katanga rulz!