Monday, August 08, 2005

KYbbles and Bits

Tragically, another American business dream is dying. Dog Condoms, Inc., has been forced to recall all its canine prophylactics. Apparently, dogs don't like to wear rubbers.

There are logistics involved here that I just don't want to think about...

And the company's miscalculation in creating a line of "meat-scented" dog condoms was probably the last straw. If you scent a dog condom with beef, liver, or chicken (or guinea fowl or whatever the hell they used), I have a funny feeling a couple of things will occur:

1. The dog is going to attempt to eat it.
2. Another dog is going to attempt to eat it. Straight off Dog #1's wee willy.

This could lead to:

1. Dog choking.
2. Dog getting free neutering.

If Number 2 occurs, don't worry, fretting pet owner. The American business community stands ready to help! Buy your dog some Neuticles! (Slogan: "It's like nothing ever changed!")

The "Natural" Neuticle.

Of course, the Neuticles won't really help with the John Wayne Bobbit aspect of the situation. Sorry. I hadn't thought that out all the way.

I'm sure someone will be along shortly with a prosthetic dog penis.


In the meantime, enjoy the fabulous FAQ on this page from Dog Condoms, Inc. Here's my favorite Q&A:

"Can I Train My Dog To Put It On Himself? No, the dog will require human intervention each time he wishes to put on or take off a condom."

Wishes. I have a feeling "wishes" play no part in this scenario.

I'm gonna walk away now and just let the shudders take over your body. (Bet you didn't know that chuckwagon guy was delivering tubes of Astroglide...)


Anonymous said...


This is just too bizarre.

I can't imagine having the time or the inclination to assist my dog in having safe sex. Amazingly, there were people out there that did. Somebody needs a hobby, huh?



Merujo said...

I read the Dog Condom FAQ to one of my sisters. I thought she was going to heave.

I love the company's impression that dogs really, really care about birth control and maximizing the experience for "both partners." Jeeeezus.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Thank HEAVENS, all my girls are fixed and wouldn't have to deal with some scruffy male dog who isn't.

I HOPE I have taught them better than to hang out with "those dogs."

As for the people who are friends with the people who thought up dog condoms...WHY DIDN'T they say anything before these people went hogwild into canine safe sex? Wait, I know. They're the same people who send their talentless children off to the American Idol talent search.