Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Nukehavistan - I do believe I've been there...

NOTE: Some douchebag wrote a blog post on 1/1/08 with a link to this entry on my blog, operating under the impression that I'm an idiot and that I don't know that Nukehavistan was a joke from The Onion. Had said douchebag bothered to read the first line of my original post below, he would have seen that I note the reference from The Onion. And, had big bozo douchebag bothered to read the rest of my post, he might have noticed that I actually have spent a lot of quality time in Central Asia. The REAL Central Asia. I discovered this jerk's post via Technorati today. However, I cannot provide a response because it's an invitation only blog. What a weasel!

Original post below:

The Onion reports today on the "former Soviet republic of Nukehavistan." Looking at the map, I can guarantee you, I've spent quality time in this corner of ye olde USSR.

Oh yeah. Been there, done that, got the food poisoning...

I really do love Central Asia. Here are some of the fun things I've done in the region:

1. Been knocked into an open, 6-foot deep sewer in the dead of winter in Tashkent, Uzbekistan.
2. Gotten my legs cut up on the rough sides of said sewer.
3. Had to walk back to my hotel since no one wants a fat woman covered with sewage in their cab or next to them on the trolleybus.
4. Had to "bathe" with bottles of ice cold Turkish seltzer water in a freezing hotel room, post-sewer disaster, as the heat and water was off in the hotel room.
5. Oh, did I mention that I was supposed to be staying at the "good hotel" across town, but some asshole from the U.N. commandeered my room?
6. Had my boots and sweater thrown out by the hotel cleaning ladies because other guests complained about the stench coming from my room.
7. Oh, and this was day 2 of a 3-week winter trip to Central Asia. Sneakers in the snow and ice, anyone?
8. Illegally crossed the border into Kazakhstan (apparently going right through Nukehavistan - must have slept through that!) with no visa.
9. Survived on Snickers bars, moldy dumplings, and bowls of soup peppered with grubs in a truckers' hotel in Almaty, Kazakhstan.
10. Stayed in a room that had half a bed - the other side of the bed was stuck through a hole in the wall in the adjoining room.
11. Did I mention the "guest" in the adjoining room was a Kazakh hooker, and all night, every night, I had to hear her and johns go at it. (I do a passable impression of a Kazakh trucker at the height of ecstasy. Ask my friends. They've heard it.)
12. Oh, and, since we shared a bed, I got to FEEL the hooker and her johns all night.
13. And my room had a snow-covered balcony and a balcony door repaired with newspapers, so I had snowdrifts at my feet each morning.
14. I bathed in my socks.
15. The lock on the door broke on the third night, so I slept in a chair backed up against the door. Asleep, dead weight, I am The Immovable Object.
16. Oh yeah, and once a friend and I got arrested in Uzbekistan for causing a public disturbance - we ate ice cream with a group of elderly men in a city park. Damn immoral loose American infidel women!

Good times, good times. Yes, I do love Central Asia.


Anonymous said...


You need to do stand up comedy. The sharing a half-a-bed with a hooker on the other side of the wall is completely original material... Seinfeld can't touch this.


Anonymous said...

"Oh, and, since we shared a bed, I got to FEEL the hooker and her johns all night."


Merujo said...

May I refer you to Item #10 on my list - my "bed" was only half a bed - it was shoved through a tight hole in the wall (the edges were trimmed in glued newspapers - the same way they insulated the broken balcony door) - so, whatever the hooker did on the other side of the hole in the wall was transmitted to my part of the bed. It was one bedframe, with two tiny mattresses - or a mattress sliced in half, so they could get the sheets on them. Disgusting, huh? It was grotesque.