Friday, November 11, 2005

Intercepted Communique:
A Message from God to Pat Robertson

Pat? Pat Robertson?

Yeah, uh, Pat...

This is God.

You know, God the Almighty. God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. Top of that Holy Trinity pyramid. Yeah, Pat. That God.

The Lord, Thy God
(Artist's rendering)

I've been watching you and listening to you for some time now, and I have some thoughts I'd like to discuss with you.

No, no - don't bother to sit down. This won't take long.

You see, I have a lot of other people to watch out for. Ones that haven't become fat and rich and smarmy by claiming to have my hotline number. They're the ones who actually need me, but I can see you require a little bit of my patented Fire and Brimstone treatment, my son. For you have strayed far from the path, and your false righteousness... well, it's really started to offend me.

I'm not sure where to begin with you, Pat. There are so many challenges to my continued love of you as one of my children.

Considering that I made women, just as I made men, and I gave them mighty nice and useful brains to clothe, feed, and defend themselves, I take exception to your suggestion that feminism - how was it you put it? - encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." Ah yes, that was it.

Right, Pat?

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I really can't recall that many cases of infanticide being blamed on feminism. Can you provide me with some statistics, my child? In fact, it is with great sadness that I note cases like that of Andrea Yates, God-fearing stay-at-home mom who snapped and killed her five biblically-named children. Her husband, a true Christian, has abandoned his ruined wife and is looking forward to finding another God-fearing woman he can keep at home, tending the hearth, popping out a pile more Bible Babies for him. I don't think feminism made Andrea crack, Pat. I just don't think so.

As for witchcraft, I can't say much. After all, you do believe I created the Heavens and the Earth and everything therein, right, Pat? So I'll happily take the hit for the witches, son. I've been around a long time, and yet I haven't seen a whole lot of Wiccan crime out there. They've got a pretty good common sense moral code, like to celebrate the seasons I created, and treat the Earth with respect. (Not to go with stereotypes, but some of them also make mighty nice aromatherapy soap and Celtic knot jewelry.) Hey, it's more than many of my other children are doing.

(probably do not make nice aromatherapy soap)

I'm not even sure where to go with the "destroying capitalism" and "becoming lesbian" bits. I think those comments would come as a shock to the millions of straight, business-owning mothers in the United States and across the planet. If there's a sudden explosion of socialist lesbians from the center of the Earth, Pat, I'll pay you a nickel for each one that pops up.

I don't think you're going to get very rich.

Oh, and, taking your beliefs into account, I created all the socialist lesbians, too. Nice ladies. Maybe too many t-shirts with slogans, but that's just me.

And what was that mess back in 2003 when you suggested blowing up the State Department with a nuclear weapon? I can't even discuss that one with you. You made me weep at your lack of decency. I figured after that mess, you'd learn your lesson, zip your lip, and develop a sense of humility.

Sadly, I was mistaken. (And for a omniscent deity who's theoretically infallible, that's quite an admission, you know.)

You see, Pat, you had to open your mouth this summer and suggest that the United States assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Nice words from someone who cherishes my love and forgiveness so much. (Or so you say.) I was really embarrassed for you when you outright lied and claimed to have never said those words. I felt shame for you. Genuine shame. Had you owned up to your un-Christian ideas, I would have found it easier to embrace you. But you are, in truth, a pompous windbag. I'm your Heavenly Father, Pat, so I have to be straight with you.

When, exactly did you lose your way? And when, pray tell, did you grow those undeservedly economy-sized testicles?

Why am I asking?

Well, Pat. I saw what you said to the good people of Dover, Pennsylvania today. Because the citizens of Dover chose to not re-elect a school board that wanted to include intelligent design in their curriculum, you suggested that Dover had "voted God out." You said that, if Dover experienced a disaster, they should not turn to me.

The Self-Righteous Weasel in Question

Pardon my language, Pat, but where the Hell do you get the nerve - and the authority - to speak on my behalf? And where the Hell do you get the right to tell good people - people who are concerned about the lives and education of their children - that they are condemned for supporting science?

Not everyone in America is a Christian or a Muslim or a Jew, Pat. Not everyone believes the Bible shows the way the Earth was created. I was the only one there, my foolish boy, and I'm not telling. Let my generations of scientists try to suss it out with their brilliant research. Let there be healthy debate between science and religion.

But don't take religion into the classroom in America, Pat. And don't use me as a way to frighten and bully people into accepting your twisted version of me and of Christianity.

I respect that whole Church and State Thing. You should, too.

It's time for you to get your house in order, Pat. It's time for you to stop putting your words in my mouth.

Once, someone asked my child the Dalai Lama why there was so much war and violence in Buddhist countries. With a laugh, the good Lama replied, "There are a lot of bad Buddhists."

I guess, Pat, I can only laugh when I look at you. For when people ask me why a child of mine, one with money and power and the ability to reach so many people speaks with such hate, in my name, I can only say, "There are a lot of bad Christians."

Knock it off, Pat. For the love of... well, for the love of Me! Stop being an idiot, or I will give you the Mother of All Ass Kickings. Remember Sodom and Gomorrah? Cakewalk, baby. Cakewalk.

Shape up, my son. And learn to keep your big mouth shut.


Michael said...

good call

Claire said...

the Charmed shot made me laugh.

I have a feeling even God's rational tone would be lost on Pat. I'd like to see Zeus take a crack at him- lightning bolts, crazy life-threatening tasks... would keep him out of hair for a while anyway. ;)

paulnojustpaul said...

Greetings from NZ!

Very good read Merujo (I agree, it should be in print!)

Glad our pollies haven't quite gone that batty. Yet.

Shuttermecki said...

Full of win!