Friday, December 09, 2005

I'll be ho' for Christmas...

'Tis the season for people to see just what their neighbors will tolerate!

Like Joe Moretti of Cranston, Rhode Island, who, for some odd reason, thinks that people will enjoy large pictures of Paris Hilton rather than traditional holiday fare. Moretti says he's just being creative, and he wants his neighbors to "see a little bit of Hollywood or New York -- bring it to Cranston." Ooookay, Joe. Not to be an ass, but you know, you could do that with big pictures from "It's a Wonderful Life" or "Miracle on 34th Street" and no one would have to associate Christmas with a pathetic rich chick we've all seen give Shannen Doherty's ex a blow job. But, thanks for playin', Joe!

Putting the "ho" in "holidays"...

And now, let's pay a visit to Ron Stroia of Miami Beach, Florida, who's sharing his holiday cheer by stringing up a life-size Santa figure in a tree. With a noose. Did I mention that Santa is blindfolded and bound, too? I'm not sure what the message is, Ron, but I have a funny feeling it's not "be of good cheer!"

Ho ho noooo! What fresh hell is this?


A "better" view of Saint Nick, well hung.

I dig the holiday season - be it Christmas, Hanukkah (spelling of your choice), Kwanzaa, or the Winter Solstice you celebrate. I like evergreen and twinkle lights and Johnny Mathis and Barbara Streisand singing holiday tunes on those old Texaco buy-em-when-you-fill-up Christmas LPs of long ago. I like the National Christmas Tree (although I hate the traffic on the night of the lighting), and I love the big menorah out across from White Flint Mall. I don't like shopping, although I love giving gifts. I enjoy sitting at home, alone, with only candles and the lights of my little apartment-sized fake tree (made in Thailand) illuminating the room. I like Christmas cookies (even though they're very, very bad for me) and old movies and musicals on TV. (TBS or TNT - please stop playing that stupid 24-hour marathon of "A Christmas Story", okay? Too much of a good this is really, really awful.) I like making my own Christmas and Hanukkah cards (I even got a rockin' "Happy Hanukkah" rubber stamp for this year, if I can find the dang thing.)

And honestly - and this may sound naive, particularly since I can be such an incredibly jaded and snarky grinch at times - I don't get trying to screw with your neighbors for the holidays. It just seems pointless. If you feel the need to hang Santa from a tree or display Paris Hilton as your way of saying "Here's yer holiday, buddy!" consider, instead, spending your decorating budget next year on something like Heifer International or buying some Toys for Tots.

And then, just maybe, your neighbors might go in on a gift card for therapy for you. Don't they sell those in grocery stores, up at the check-out next to the the $25 Red Lobster/HomeDepot/iTunes gift cards? If not, here's a golden opportunity for someone! Lord knows, I could use one, and I'm not even hanging and blindfolding Santa...

Happy Chrismukwanzikah, y'all!


3 comments:

Washington Cube said...

Shaking head. When I was on Cape Cod this fall, I saw a witch hung from the tree like that, almost life-sized. A "tad" unsettling, to say the least.

Sasquatch said...

I, for one, *like* the 24 hours of "A Christmas Story." It's become a bit of a tradition at my mom's house, with us tuning at random times throughout Christmas Day to see the whole movie in convenient, bite-sized chunks. "Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense." Priceless...

Claire said...

Heifer int'l is cool. I learned about them a few years back when I got a goat donation for xmas.

At first glance, I thought the top pic was just a huge ad somewhere. That someone would put Paris Hilton on their lawn... that's just advertising his bad taste.

As for the hanged Santa, optimistically, it's a statement on the commercialism of xmas. Except that his hands are tied, so I guess it couldn't be Santa suicide. Oh well... I got nothing.