Monday, December 18, 2006

More Adventures in the Bad Date Zone!

Dear God,

I know I've not been a very good Christian. Or much of anything, for that matter. Yeah, I stopped going to church back in college. And I have many, many dark thoughts these days - mostly directed at other commuters here in DC. (And the White House.) And now, you're punishing me, aren't you? You're being all Catholic God and vengeful and pissed that it's been, like, 34 years or so since my last (and only) Confession, right?

How about this - I'll go to Midnight Mass this year for Christmas. I'll sing and pray and kneel and all that. But, God? Just one thing, okay?

Please, oh please, oh please, let this year end now!!

Here at the Radio Ranch, I'm still feeling sick, I'm still feeling wobbly, my eyeglasses are still clogging the toilet (despite the $15 I spent on a toilet auger tonight), and I just about started to sob when I looked around and realized how much I have to do before Friday. I will feel better about the world once I'm feeling better physically, but for now, I feel a little defeated.

I'm waiting for my laundry to finish up and figured I should check my e-mail.

Big mistake. Biiiiiig freaking mistake.

I just got a "wink" from some guy on this dumb dating site I signed up on ages ago, mostly for my amusement. A "wink" is a way for members to express their interest in you. The only date I went on with anyone from the site was a year ago. The guy showed up for coffee, told me he was an alcoholic ("but I only drink a coupla times a week!"), taking a couple of anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety drug, and had an ex-wife with a hording disorder. That was the first five minutes. He then went off to the bathroom, came back and said, "Oh, I figured you would have left after I told you all that. Hahahah..." Eek.

So, from the same place that offered me that option, I present the "wink" message I received tonight, unedited for your horror and amusement:

"I am 6'-0" tall and I weigh 190 lbs. I have a short haircut for job safety reasons, and I have 5 tattoos and no piercings. I am a crematory operator, so I spend most of my day with the dead. I am a very passionate, if not neurotic, nerdy guy. When I am not burning dead bodies, I am making leather and sewing costuming stuff for the Medieval and Renfaire and Fetish folks. I have a suit of EPIII Clone Trooper armor and an officer's uniform from SW as well. I had a vasectomy at age 19. I never want children. Or anybody else's. Ever."

Ahhh, classic TMI, TMI, TMI. But he's right up there with the guy who showed up for our one date ever with red splotches all over his pants. He'd told me was a detective with a local police force.

Not quite.

Turns out, he picked up bodies for a coroner's office in Southern Maryland. He bagged, tagged, and lugged the dead for the police. But he had a fake police badge! (Nice.) Charmingly, he hadn't changed clothes after dealing with a car crash before driving up to DC to meet me at some happy hour-ish place at Dupont. He simply told me as I stared at his stains, "Oh, this? Eh, it's corpse blood. If ya date me, you'll get used to it! I washed my hands, so it's cool." When I went to the bathroom to dry heave, he started to hit on other women in the bar. I came out, told the ladies to be sure to ask him about the "corpse blood" and I left.

I think it's clear. I'm never going on a date ever again.

Somebody buy me a nice friendly cat - STAT!


Anonymous said...

Merojo - are you sure - did this actually happen - oh, no you COULDN'T make this up!

For once I'm actually crying with laughter, I'm sorry, it's just like a TV sit-com.

Now seriousness arrives! I dunno any answers, I just think you deserve to meet someone on your own intellectual level for once and someone who's a genuinely decent person.

I just asked my spiritual mentor to sort you out. Dunno who he is. But in this existance all things are interconnected, I'm sure!


Anonymous said...

I'd give you one of my friendly cats if I didn't love them both so much.

You will DEFINITELY need to get together with your favorite bipolar redhead for Christmas. I've got your cell #...I'll call you.

honeykbee said...

What dating site is it that keeps directing you to these men?!

Anonymous said...

You know M, I just want to say that every wackjob in site homes in on my aura when Im anywhere. They will literally stop talking to jub jub or whoever the hell and run up to me to say something batshit crazy! I see your anguish and I raise you a cursed existence!

Heather Meadows said...

When I am not burning dead bodies,


That has got to be the best segue I have ever seen.

Cyn said...

Two rooms over, my daughter calls out, "Mom, what are you laughing about?"

Yes, I was laughing that loudly. Somehow, I couldn't quite manage to give her a plausible (as in PG-rated) explanation as to why.

Hey, crematory operators deserve love too! But a crematory operator who sews Renfair and fetish costumes? He deserves to be living a very, very solitary life.

Washington Cube said...


Sorry. Couldn't resist. :x

Janet Kincaid said...

Oh. Dear. God. I agree with Cyn. The body burning, Renfaire, fetish dude: WEIRD. There's someone really special out there for him and he/she is coming for him in a white, padded van. Run. Just as far and fast as you can!

I swear, you need to write a book about this year. It's the Erma Bombeck of really bad, unbelievable, you can't make this up, years. (That's a compliment, by the way, as I adore Erma Bombeck--may she RIP.)

Perhaps you should make this (onling dating services and the responses you get and why they're so wrong) the topic of your next WAMU commentary....

Anonymous said...

Invaluable personality characteristics for that book you'll write to become the award-winning and filthy-rich Merujo, though! :P