Capitol (Circular) File

To the Circulation Staff at Capitol File magazine:

I don't know how I found my way onto your subscription list, but I can assure you, it was not by my choice. I sure as hell didn't pay for it. I think you have seriously overestimated my worth - and my possible interest in your glossy pages.

The first time one of your oversized issues showed up in my mailbox, I assumed it was a mistake. Perhaps one of my neighbors was a voracious reader of attendee lists at charity balls or enjoyed perusing ads for $1200 handbags and $3.5M homes. But nope. My name and address were clearly marked on the label attached to the plastic bag that protected your magnificence from possible scarring en route to my oh-so-tony apartment mailbox.

Maybe you assume that everyone who lives in the 20814 Bethesda zip code is a member of the social elite and simply must know, dahling who the 99 most eligible singles are in DC.* Or that we all shop for $595 Burberry summer wool slacks.

Dudes, here's the deal: I have $147 in my checking account, and that has to last me until my next payday on June 22nd. I'm not likely to fawn over photos of the rich peeps who attended the Creative Coalition's "Poker Détente" or swoon to see that Morgan Fairchild was at Tammy Haddad's 10th Annual Garden Brunch. Whatever that is.

Your magazine has full page ads for things like a $150 pair of socks. I'm not shitting you. $150 socks.

Socks that cost more than I have to live on for the next two weeks.


Get freaking real!

Socks that cost $150 a pair should be able to cook, clean, and give you earthshattering, spontaneous orgasms when you put them on. And I doubt these do.**

I see that your parent company is Niche Media LLC. Niche's website notes that they produce "must-read, luxurious publications that mirror the sensibilities and lifestyles of the unique, vibrant communities to which they cater." Like Aspen, the Hamptons, and parts of DC I do not frequent.

The actual Capitol File website invites advertisers to reach "an audience of unparalleled affluence and influence." Holy crap! I have unparalleled affluence and influence?!? Damn! Quick - somebody get me George Lucas on the phone! I want him to apologize for the last three Star Wars movies! Also, I want Dubya to admit on TV he is a chimp, and that Dick Cheney is Satan. (Well, the son of Satan at the very least.)

I fear it's not gonna happen.

You see, I think you made a mistake. According to your demographics page, 99% of your readership have an income above $200K and 78% have a net worth of $1M+.

So not me, baby. So not me.

If you don't mind, please take me off your mailing list. I'll just stick to Entertainment Weekly and Ellery Queen and that freebie subscription to TV Guide I got with 2,500 useless Delta frequent flyer miles.

I'm sure there's some tragic ex-wife of a Hill lobbyist who's too broke to make her Red Door appointment these days and is dying to have my copy of your genteel publication. Please give her my subscription, with compliments.

And be sure to tell her I said she looks fahbulous.


*By the way, I am utterly traumatized - simply gutted - to know that I am not one of DC's 99 most eligible singles. My life is over.

**Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe Ralph Lauren himself flies out to perform sexual favors when people spend $150 on socks. He should.