Saturday, October 10, 2009

Can I get that "Biggie" size?

It never fails. I know better than to linger in a Wendy's parking lot.

You may remember my previous encounters: chili-crazed squirrel attack, hot steamy Latin luvin', the rat perched on the ordering screen...

Yeah, you know I know better.

All I wanted was a Coke Zero. A big, icy cold cup of (probably) kidney-killing diet crack. And I wanted to read over the ads in the Sunday Washington Post. (I read the Post online, but I buy the big Sunday bundle for coupons and to read Date Lab. Oh, and Date Lab? That requires a whole blog post unto itself. As in, what should you think when a co-worker appears in Date Lab and expresses a dislike for people who look like you? As in, how do you interact with someone who has given a "no fat chicks" statement to a newspaper he has to know most of the Metro area is going to see? Like I said, that requires a lot more words than a mere parenthetical aside.)

So, there I was, diggin' the sweet, sweet breeze in the Wendy's lot, sippin' on my Zero, flipping through the Target circular, lovin' autumn, when a spoileriffic Honda zips in a couple of spaces down from me. The lot was completely empty, by the way, when I pulled in. The Fast-and-Furious, pimped out, street racer-ish Honda just had to Tokyo drift itself into the only row with anyone in it.

Of course.

As the car doors opened, I noticed the driver was Ed Hardy-garbed from head to toe - a young Latino guy sporting the Jon "early middle-age crisis" Gosselin look - and the chica who slid from passenger seat was in jeans painted on so tightly, I was astounded she could move (or had circulation in) her legs. A couple of minutes passed as I glossed through the opinion section of the paper (was the Nobel Prize selection committee smoking crack? did they bring enough to share?) and I realized the Honda duo hadn't managed to leave the lot. They were caught in up a passionate clinch that had apparently bypassed G, PG, and most of R on the way to letters way up in the alphabet.


The breeze had picked up. Maybe they'd just found a good way to raise internal body temperatures.

There was much giggling, and then it seemed they were leaving. And the Hardy Boy was letting the little lady get behind the wheel.

Putting down the Style Section after a few minutes, I realized the couple hadn't left. Both the driver and passenger doors were open, and the dude lolled back in the passenger seat, one leg stretched out to the ground.

But the chiquita? She was driving, all right. And apparently, she knew how to drive manual.

Really well.

She was, uh, working the stick.

Polishing the gear shift knob.

Upsizing his combo.

Getting him a triple beef patty.

With everything on it.

And I really, really, REALLY didn't need to see the beef in question.

But I did.

And it will be the stuff of nightmares for many nights to come.

Guys, seriously - hand jobs, blow jobs, and just about any other job of an intimate nature in a fast food parking lot at 4 in the afternoon? {{{shudder}}} JUST. SAY. NOOOOOOOOO!

All I can say is this - I think I'll be avoiding any beef products at Wendy's for a while.

Somebody, hand me the TUMS...


Unknown said...

So why does this happen to you? I have to say the worst thing I saw in a fast food lot was drug deals that used to go down in the white castle across from an old office. Dear god - give get a room new meaning!

Merujo said...

I am a freak magnet, I swear to god!

Unknown said...

Oh, Mel, a classic post! So funny! - and so sorry you had to witness ...

Merujo said...

FYI - this was the Wendy's up in Rockville across from the IHOP (Incarcerated House of Pancakes) where my friend the Sasquatch and I have encountered people fresh out of the MoCo lock-up late at night. We think they should sell t-shirts there that read "IHOPped outta jail!"

Chuck said...

OMG! I'm sorry you had to witness that. VERY sorry. Sounds like they wanted an audience to their hanky panky...kind of like the Rooftop Love couple.

Mme.Meow said...

Someone wanted to spread the love around.

Dude, you're like a divining rod but for freaks.

Merujo said...

Mme. M -- truer words there never were! If I could figure out a way to turn this "gift" to gold, I would be very, very, very wealthy.

JordanBaker said...

This is hilarious, and it also makes me glad I'm not the only one this happens to--still scarred from seeing people getting it on in the Safeway parking lot in Tempe, AZ, on Christmas Day a few years back.