Thursday, October 23, 2008

Halloweenies, or...

How the God Squad Grinches Are Trying to Steal Halloween...

Courtesy of FARK, I just read these links from Pat "Knows the Mind of God" Robertson's CBN website. Kids, did you know that people who celebrate Halloween "either are unaware of its roots, or are intentionally promoting a world where evil is lauded and viewed as an ultimate power"??? According to CBN, that's the situation. Halloween is going to eat our immortal souls!!

I better make sure all my Wiccan friends know they're totally screwed. I bet they had no idea!

Surely bound for Hell, 1966.
I *heart* Halloween.

Missed being born on Halloween by a few hours.


Much to their dismay, some of the Pat Robertson Christians have had to come to terms with "the simple reality that in today’s Western culture it is nearly impossible to 'avoid' Halloween." (Oh, the horror!) CBN even has an online "Halloween Resource" page. Yeah. For real. Sad, huh?

So, just how does a "true" Christian deal with Halloween? Why, by handing out scripture in the form of cute little Gospel tracts rather than that hellspawn Snickers snack bar! Or hey - you could get a GREAT reputation as the Official Neighborhood Crazy Cat Lady with this suggestion: "...consider designing your own tracts or attaching scripture messages to the treats." Riiiight. My mom would have been introducing these treats to Mr. Hefty Bag or taking them to the ER for an x-ray.

Still looking for the right Christian option for the hell-o-day? How about these surely tasty treats: "Scripture Candy, from the makers of Fish Mints™ contain wrappers that have scriptural text. Also, EvangeCandy, 'the only candy with color-coded Gospels on every wrapper' are fun for children."

Hooray! What child doesn't love some good color-coded Gospel messages on Halloween? I'm sure the Jewish, Muslim, & Hindi kids in your 'hood will be thrilled! As will their parents! Good work, Sister Christian!

And I'm sorry, but no candy should be called "FishMints." That's just so wrong. On so many levels. "Mmmm, baby - your breath smells just like a tuna sandwich from Quiznos!" Okay, wrong fish probably (and I kept it clean, you'll note), but still. BAD PRODUCT NAME.

The Sasquatch just reminded me that his church used to have a haunted house on Halloween. Most of the churches in my hometown did the same thing. Has that tradition died in the face of obnoxiously strident evangelical Christianity? I hope the hell not.

I miss the Halloween of my childhood. And I hate to see smug people who think they have the golden ticket into heaven trying to paint it as evil. Don't appreciate Wicca being described in those same ignorant terms, either. I like to think Jesus would have told these guys to lighten the hell up.

From one lapsed cafeteria Catholic to all my Halloween-loving friends - have a blast! Let your kids have a blast, if you've got 'em! Make a fun costume. Put on some horns at work (I will!) and don't let the puckered sphincter crowd get you down. They all need to go back and watch Oh God! with George Burns, honestly. I always loved God saying he made all these faiths, all these beliefs, and he really didn't give a fig how you addressed him/interacted with him. A most sensible view of religion and spirituality, I think. From Hollywood. Go figure.

To my Wiccan friends, I wish you a good Samhain. To the moms and dads and kids getting ready to assemble costumes, knock on doors, and hope for something other than Sweet Tarts in your plastic pumpkin - have fun! Revel! To the young, horny singles planning on wearing overpriced rentals, drinking to excess, and waking up in a strange place on November 1st: don't throw up on the rental. And carry condoms. And enough money for a cab. (You'll thank me later.)

As for me, I'll be the one in Lafayette Park at lunchtime on Halloween, celebrating my birthday a few hours early. You won't be able to miss me - I'll be the huge chick, waving at the White House, wearing my little red devil horns and a name tag reading "HELLO I'm Dick Cheney's Sister." One last parting shot at the Satan Spawn at 1600 Penn.

Feel free to join me. I have a plastic pitchfork waiting for you.

7 comments:

Madame Meow said...

Ah... chuckle.

I used to have a friend who would give out literature on the evils of Halloween AND she and her church group would go pass out hot cocoa to The Gays up in the Castro to see if they could convince them of their life of sin and wrongheadedness. She said she'd distanced herself from some of that activity, yet proceeded to have the creepiest wedding service I've ever witnessed (woman=chattel was the leitmotif).

Needless to say, we are no longer friends.

suze said...

I get the feeling that the fundies aren't happy unless they're sucking the fun out of life for others.

I love Halloween. Hope you have a good one :)

Cyn said...

First of all, I had no idea when I was single that Halloween was supposed to get me some drunken action. Oh, my wasted youth!

Secondly, as someone who thinks she understands cats (read "someone with crazy cat lady potential") handing out scripture on Halloween is just the kind of thing that would make your cats secretly plan to eat you at the first sign of weakness.

Then again, my cats are black, so you know I'm secretly cavorting with the devil.

And you are so right about the Sweet Tarts. Lamest candy ever. (Although the shelf-life is amazing...not that a person who looks amazingly like me would ever fill her child's birthday pinata with a bag of Sweet Tarts left-over from two years earlier. Nah, that would never happen.)

Of all my suburban complaints, at least we haven't (yet) encountered any gospel-bearing treats. This year we might be more likely to find McCain Mints or Palin Patties or Barack Bits in the kiddies' bags.

Anyway, Merujo, never fear -- it still is fun for the kids. I can guarantee that, in spite of Pat Robertson, this Halloween will bring out all manner of witches and devils and living dead (Oh, that last one is the parents...)

Have fun in your horns, Ms. Cheney! And an early Happy Birthday :-)

Dr Doog said...

As my dad, who is the highest High Church Anglican [Episcopalian] you can be whilst actually being an atheist, would point out, if Robertson and his ilk hadn't abandoned the Book of Common Prayer and the King James Bible in favour of making it up as you go along to suit your bank balance, these idiots would be aware of All Hollows Eve (geddit?), an important Christian festival (OK, so it's just Samhain dressed up to help convert the locals in 457 CE or so). But then again, Madame CoCo Paws is a very black cat (and part Tonkinese to boot, which means that she's probably got some connection to the Viet Cong), so I'm probably just being controlled by Satan. Who was not part of Christian theology until the middle ages and who is actually a separate figure from Lucifer, who is ...at which point,I give up and invoke the words of the deathless Frankie Howerd (for USA readers, a very droll and camp British comedian - see "Up Pompei" and various Carry Ons) "Oooohhhh missus, work it out for yourselves!"

Dr Doog said...

Whoops, that should be "All Hallows eve" (doh !).

paulnojustpaul said...

Over here in Oz it seems (unfortunately) that we've adopted only the selfish bits of this occassion, ie. Precious Little Snowflakes going door to door (sans any effort at a costume) demanding treats. There's no sense of village or community to it at all here.

Sad really, since the US version of this (US) tradition sounds really charming and a joy to experience.

As a result of AU's bastardisation of it we're escaping to a holiday cottage for a bit to avoid the whole thing.

That said, I hope you have a ball this All Hallows Eve, dear M! And your readers too!

If I may I'd like to leave you with my favourite geek joke for the occasion:

Q. Why do geeks celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

A. Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Sorry, I just... sorry.

:-)

P.S. I still must say that that cartoon avatar of you is almost as gorgeous as your good self. :-)

xx!

[Insert big, but not bone-grinding hug here!]

daisy-head said...

A friend of mine said, if some girl wanted to dress up as a bee, now days they would wear a yellow string bikini, a black mesh tutu, and maybe some fishnets. Doesn't that just scream bumblebee?