Happy Bassover!

I know there is no Hell in Judaism. But I was raised Catholic, so Hell and all its associated images of pain, misery, and eternity as Wilbur-on-a-spit at Satan's pig roast run rampant throughout my brain.

With this post, I figure I have a pretty good shot at ending up in a Very Catholic Hell, but here goes...

Remember the Big Mouth Billy Bass? Oh, of course you do - that damn fake mounted fish that sang "Don't Worry, Be Happy" or a variety of Christmas tunes at the press of a button. Having a good number of Jewish friends, I always felt bad around the holidays that the makers of the Christmas Big Mouth Billy Bass had not taken into account that there might be some Jewish kids who would enjoy cheap animated crap for the festival of lights.

It would have been easy to do. Heck, there are people who have programmed Billy Bass with the voice of Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon, and Homer Simpson. I'm amazed no one considered the potentially lucrative Jewish holiday market! After all, it's not just Bubba Christians who love All Things Tacky! Bad taste knows NO religious, ethnic, or national limits!

So, savvy marketing guy somewhere, here's whatcha do...

Take your basic Billy Bass:


Add a yarmulke:

Maybe some sidelocks, if you're aiming for an old school market:

And then replace the traditional "Billy" plate with something more appropriate that still captures that Southern good ol' fish feel of the original:

Program this baby to sing the Dreidel Song, and - BAM - a new holiday classic is born!

How many people can really tell the difference between a bass and other fish? I know I can't! Wrap this sucker in a box labeled "Hanukkah Halibut" and you're golden!

But why stop there? Judaism offers an array of holidays only rivaled by the Catholic Church. This guy could be repackaged for events throughout the year!

How about the Passover Bass? Or, simply, "Bassover"! He could be programmed to ask all the Seder questions:

"Papa, why is this fish different from all other fish?"

It could go on and on...

For people mourning a loss alone, the fish could be programmed to speak prayers of mourning with you. With deepest sympathy, I present... the Kaddish Codfish:

(See, I told you I was going to Hell.)

On a lighter note... Purim Perch, anyone?

"Huzzah, everyone! I'm Harry Potter!
Expecto Patronum! Take that, Haman!"

The High Holidays would not be neglected, of course. Rosh Hashanah could be represented in a *very* limited edition - edible and celebrating the worldwide reach of the Jewish community. Behold, the Rosh Sashimi:

BTW, Wikipedia says there are an estimated 1,000 Jews in Japan. This might be a big hit as a specialty item.

Maybe.

I know I've already hit rock bottom with the raw fish number above (and you can blame the Sasquatch for coming up with "Rosh Sashimi" and blame me for the atrocious photo manipulation), but I'm about to dig far, far below ground level with this final offering... the Yom Kippur Kipper:

Yum! Kipper!

This solemn fish will remind you to repent on the "Day of A-tuna-ment". (Again, blame the Sasquatch for that. I wanted to go with the "Day of A-tin-ment" since kippers come in tins, but he reminded me kippers aren't exactly on everyone's radar in the United States. Regardless, do you know how hard it is to fit a tallis on a fish in MS Paint? God, I need Photoshop...)

Now, hopefully, my Jewish friends won't be offended by my fishy holidays. Don't worry - the Catholic Church allows so many opportunities for icthymockery. I can think of one or two for Islam, too, but I have the sad feeling some folks wouldn't appreciate the humor of the "Burqa Bass" (or "Salaam Salmon") I've just drawn up. Catholics, on the other hand... Oh, just give me some time to ponder...

And, btw, a very good Passover to all my peeps celebrating with friends and family all over the world. I hope you got enough kosher Coke to sustain you for the next few days!

Shalom, y'all!