With this post, I figure I have a pretty good shot at ending up in a Very Catholic Hell, but here goes...

It would have been easy to do. Heck, there are people who have programmed Billy Bass with the voice of Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon, and Homer Simpson. I'm amazed no one considered the potentially lucrative Jewish holiday market! After all, it's not just Bubba Christians who love All Things Tacky! Bad taste knows NO religious, ethnic, or national limits!
So, savvy marketing guy somewhere, here's whatcha do...
Take your basic Billy Bass:

Add a yarmulke:
Maybe some sidelocks, if you're aiming for an old school market:
And then replace the traditional "Billy" plate with something more appropriate that still captures that Southern good ol' fish feel of the original:
Program this baby to sing the Dreidel Song, and - BAM - a new holiday classic is born!
How many people can really tell the difference between a bass and other fish? I know I can't! Wrap this sucker in a box labeled "Hanukkah Halibut" and you're golden!
But why stop there? Judaism offers an array of holidays only rivaled by the Catholic Church. This guy could be repackaged for events throughout the year!
How about the Passover Bass? Or, simply, "Bassover"! He could be programmed to ask all the Seder questions:
It could go on and on...
For people mourning a loss alone, the fish could be programmed to speak prayers of mourning with you. With deepest sympathy, I present... the Kaddish Codfish:
On a lighter note... Purim Perch, anyone?
The High Holidays would not be neglected, of course. Rosh Hashanah could be represented in a *very* limited edition - edible and celebrating the worldwide reach of the Jewish community. Behold, the Rosh Sashimi:
Maybe.
I know I've already hit rock bottom with the raw fish number above (and you can blame the Sasquatch for coming up with "Rosh Sashimi" and blame me for the atrocious photo manipulation), but I'm about to dig far, far below ground level with this final offering... the Yom Kippur Kipper:
This solemn fish will remind you to repent on the "Day of A-tuna-ment". (Again, blame the Sasquatch for that. I wanted to go with the "Day of A-tin-ment" since kippers come in tins, but he reminded me kippers aren't exactly on everyone's radar in the United States. Regardless, do you know how hard it is to fit a tallis on a fish in MS Paint? God, I need Photoshop...)
And, btw, a very good Passover to all my peeps celebrating with friends and family all over the world. I hope you got enough kosher Coke to sustain you for the next few days!
Shalom, y'all!
7 comments:
My, those puns were truly dreadful, Merujo. Very impressive!
I wonder why they never created a "Loudmouth Larry Lobster." Perhaps the manufacturers thought that would have been overly shellfish.
Koi vey! That was one of the funniest things I've read in a while!
:) There could be the all-purpose silly gift fish that tells bad Borsch Belt jokes in a Jackie Mason voice: the Meshugganah Mullet...
Definitely you are going to hell for this! ;-)
Hilarious! And now I'm almost jealous I didn't grow up Catholic. Or Jewish.
I just nearly spit my Coca-Cola Zero out all over my keyboard (not kosher coke - darn!!) I'll be bookmarking this post for whenever I need a laugh...I mean, the fish with sidelocks thing will never get old.
I know the devil made you do it.
Yes, you are going to hell and taking all the people who laughed at this with you. Well, at least you'll be in good company! And yes, I'll be there.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You never cease to amaze me, Merujo!
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