Dear lord, why?
Vince is back. And he's no longer simply selling us the amazing ShamWow!
Now, he's selling us a mini chopper called the "Slap Chop." And, this time, Vince's sales spiel isn't just head-mic marketing - it's complete with philosophy and life enhancing aphorisms:
"You're going to be in a great mood all day 'cause you'll be slapping your troubles away!"
(On chopping onions): "Life's hard enough as it is, you don't wanna cry anymore."
"Stop having a boring tuna! Stop having a boring life! ...You're going to have an exciting life now!"
It's also strangely sexual (as if the tuna comment wasn't odd enough):
"You're gonna love my nuts!"
"I can do it with one hand!"
And, WOW! If you buy now, you get the "Graty" cheese grater, too, for FREEEEEE! And, as Vince says, it's great for "tacos, frettucine (yeah, he said "frettucine"), linguine, martini, bikini."
I'm not sure what frettucine is, and I don't think I want anyone to apply a cheese grater to anything covered by a bikini, but hey, Vince, if it works for you, man, go for it.
God bless cheesy informercials and all the underemployed actors who sail upon them. You have to wonder, is Vince actually a Shakespearean actor? And does he finish off a bottle of tequila after filming one of these pop consumerist culture nightmares?
Of course, I wonder the same thing about Drew Carey. Think he climbs into the bottom of a bottle after each Price Is Right taping?
And, for my friends who speak Spanish, God help us all, Vince also sold the ShamWow in Spanish:
Oh, how I love our twisted little culture.