Sunday, November 16, 2008

I know this feeling

Sometimes I see images and words on PostSecret that resonate with me so much they make me cry. This one did it today:


For me, it's not because of chemo. It's because of general health, age, finances, unattractiveness, the inability to find anyone whom I love and who desires me...

Adoption isn't an option, either, between the health and finances, too.

I know I'm not alone in feeling this. I know there are women everywhere who feel this emptiness, too. When I see my friends - happy with their partners and families - I get that feeling of basic existential failure very acutely. No matter how smart I am, as a human animal, I am a failure. Totally irrelevant.

Some days are harder than others. What can I say?

10 comments:

Chuck said...

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever have a family of my own, either...but it doesn't usually get to me much. Perhaps because as a male the biological "no" doesn't happen like it does for women (or at least not until much later in life)...perhaps also because I like being by myself, I don't know. Still, turning 40 has made me think about it some.

Aoife O'Meara said...

Oh, you are sooo not a failure, Girlfriend! I understand how you feel but I must disagree. You're a wonderful friend, engaging writer, and just all around good person. Who could ask more of you?!

talkingbudgie said...

You are a great person. I'm so sad for you that you have had to deal with so much pain in your life and that feel this way about yourself. There are, however, plenty of people who feel otherwise.

I wish you happiness within yourself and send you love from across oceans and continents.

i am feathermaye said...

Most days I felt like an abysmal failure as a parent and wondered why in the world I was chosen.

Your desire to be a parent so outweighs the value in my lack of enjoyment in such.

And PostSecret always makes me cry. Even the happy ones.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

I understand some of your feelings on certain levels. I keep wondering if it was a mistake not to have children. I love kids and am good with them, but the thought of socializing a child and being responsible for that is what's kept me from having them--either naturally or through adoption. The result of my choice is a certain feeling of emptiness when I see my friends with their kids or when I watch my parents interact with other people's kids and wonder if I've been selfish in denying them the joys of grandchildren.

That said, you are a wonderful person, Merujo. You bring joy and compassion into our lives. Please know that every day there are people out there thinking of you and hoping the best for you. It may not erase the loneliness completely, but I hope it takes the edge off a bit.

Heather Meadows said...

I could have sent that postcard. That's exactly how I feel.

The only thing I can do is try to matter in some other way.

Merujo, you matter in many other ways to many, many people. We are so glad to have you in the world.

Robin said...

I hear you, I do. I'd have felt that way if not for my daughter. Yet, that's silly in a way -- people offer SO MUCH to others that has nothing to do with procreating -- and you have a lot to offer. Heck, I even tagged you -- should you feel up for it. You ARE "real." http://randomthreadsofmylife.blogspot.com/2008/11/tagged-part-two-im-real-really.html

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Even semi-professional cyclopses can have the doldrums. Sorry you're having a down day. But now that it's 4 days later, maybe it's gotten better? Watch for puppy dogs and rainbows crossing your path very soon!

(found you on BlogHer Ads, btw)

mrs. mary mack said...

I saw this post on postsecret. It spoke to me as well. Although I have a partner, there is a chance that I may not be able to conceive because of my health. I'm blessed in the fact the he knew this coming in so it won't be a surprise. I hope that you feel better and maybe just maybe oneday you'll be able to adopt a wonderful child of your own. And if not- belive it or not your impact as a blog writer may be just as important to somebody somewhere. Thanks for having the courage to post on this topic.

Jonathan said...

Depressing. Although I am blessed with 3 children I can understand that emotion. It's a long story. It's not only women that feel that way.

Anyway. On a lighter note. PostSecret is something that I had never heard of before. (where HAVE I been!)

What a wonderful, fascinating and voyeuristic experience. Reading some of those cards made me really sad, others happy, others frankly just embarrassed.

I've a good mind to write one myself.