Wednesday, February 27, 2008

TiVo Abuse: It's a Crime

Hello. My name is Merujo, and I'm a TiVo abuser.

(Hello, Merujo!)

Okay, I suppose I should clarify that I don't have a real TiVo. I have the DVR that came with my Verizon FiOS service. Works fine, and as I spend most evenings at home, curled up with the beloved Trinitron, it's been a lifesaver. Keeps me from going out and spending money and keeps me company when things get a little lonely.

Sounds a little pathetic, no?

Well, just wait - it gets worse and much more pathetic.

Now, first, I have to say that despite looking like the world's dumpiest middle-aged woman, I am a pretty pop culture-aware chickadee. I have solid taste in tuneage, know my movies, can offer running commentary on any number of current TV shows, and (I'm slightly ashamed to say) I check TMZ.com before CNN.com most mornings. Lord knows, in an age of depressing news, it's a little uplifting to see that most of us are handling life better than Britney and her millions (and her knocked-up sister and wannabe-author-of-parenting-books mom...)

Yet... deep inside? Apparently, I am a crypt keeper. A slow driver of Buicks. A diner in the early bird special club. An abuser of the DVR.

Sigh.

Here it comes.

I record episodes of "JAG".

Friggin' "JAG"... One of the CBS attempts to corner the market on Shows Old People Enjoy.

I've made it through seven seasons of "JAG", I think, since getting the pseudo-TiVo installed. And dear god, I'm still watching.

Now, reading this, you're probably amazed that those old farts were so rude to me at Dunkin Donuts recently. After all, I think getting hooked on reruns of "JAG" qualifies you instantly for an AARP membership card. Yet I'm a good number of years off that list, thank you very much.

To make this worse, I've reached a point in the ten (yes, TEN) years of this show when it had clearly not only jumped the shark, but had dated the shark, spanked the shark, put it in a evening gown and slapped lipstick on it. When was this point, you may ask? (If you've stopped laughing at me for watching reruns of "JAG", that is.) Well, I'll tell ya...

It was the moment when Marine JAG lawyer, recovering alcoholic, and big-boobied, Farsi-speaking chick Sarah MacKenzie (played by big-boobied, Farsi-speaking Catherine Bell) became... wait for it... psychic.

Yep. Psychic. Out of the blue, she suddenly has visions that help her find missing children, aviators adrift on the ocean, and, apparently in episodes I haven't seen yet, help her win courtroom cases. Screw the rule of law! I see dead people!

Yeesh.

And yet, I'm still watching, like a heavily medicated retirement home resident.

Now, there are mitigating circumstances. Honest.

First, David James Elliott is kinda hot. And the fact that he's playing an naval aviator-cum-lawyer makes him even more hot. Well, at least to me it does. Usually, someone with three first names is only seen on the FBI Most Wanted List, but every once in a while, it's just a tall Canadian actor.

Second, I like courtroom stuff, when it's done well. I think that comes from watching a lot of "Perry Mason" with my mom when I was a kid. And courtroom drama in uniforms is good.

Third - did I already mention uniforms? I love a good uniform. I used to dig it when the Marines put on their dress duds at the embassy in Moscow. Of course, there was that one time when a Marine got totally wasted and dropped by my apartment to say hello while my mother and a friend were visiting. When sober, this guy was such a delight. He'd bring me Turkish coffee when we were both working midnight shifts. He was smart, well-traveled, and so much fun to talk to. It didn't hurt that he was also super hot - 6'2" and a mix of Billy Dee Williams, Douglas Fairbanks and Errol Flynn. (Well, Errol Flynn without the Nazi sympathies, that is.) This time, though, he'd had a snootful and was so out of it, he started hitting on our 70+ -year-old family friend and somehow lost one of his medals in my sofa. But I must say, he was the most dashing drunk in dress blues I ever had over at my place.

But I digress...

So, yeah. It's entirely possible that I'm really an old person hiding in the body of a middle-aged woman. But there's hope for me yet! After all, I haven't started recording old episodes of "Murder, She Wrote" or "Matlock". Then again, maybe "Murder, She Wrote" wouldn't be so bad. At least the producers and writers never turned Jessica Fletcher into a psychic crime-solver.

They didn't, did they?

Sigh.

Pray for me.

14 comments:

Mme. Meow said...

Hehehehe. Thanks for the chuckle. That was entirely too much fun to read.

Personally, I'm welcoming this stage of my life: the one that all-too-eagerly awaits the red envelope from Netflix containing more Magnum P.I. episodes.

(It's the mustache)

Merujo said...

And the short shorts!

Magnum P.I.? Another Don Bellasario show, just like JAG and NCIS and Quantum Leap and (dear god) Airwolf.

hoyameb said...

See, we have one of those recorders too. I pretend to be all smug and superior (well maybe I am smug) - "Oh, I don't watch TV anymore, blah blah blah" but it secretly because I know I would never turn it off. West Wing reruns. MAGNUM PI - OH YEAH BABY. Mustache hell, admit it it's the shorts.

kristen said...

I may have to join you for the early bird special. You say that the psychic abilities thing puts Fonzie over that shark? Perhaps so, but reading that part made me actually want to check out this thing you call JAG for the first time ever.

I always laugh like crazy at the end of Cold Case when the detective with horrible hair sees the ghost of the murder victim who basically gives her a thumbs up on another case solved. That's just plain awesome. Long live absurdity and random visions of dead guest stars dancing in our heads!

Merujo said...

OMG, Kristen! I'm laughing so hard - I've been TiVo'ing "Cold Case" too, and "the detective with the horrible hair" comment is killing me. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I've wanted to reach through the TV and tell her to go see a hairdresser. STAT!

And yeah - the happy dead people at the end? "Hi, nice detective! Even though I was bludgeoned to death and left in a crawl space for twenty years, I sure am happy now!" I caught an episode recently where I learned she keeps photos of the dead people in her bedroom. No wonder her romantic life is in the crapper...

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'll keep your secret if you won't tell anyone that I have a problem with Murder She Wrote.

If your legs get chilled I might even let you borrow my afghan. It'll look nice draped across your lap. ;)

It's almost 5pm...what's the special for dinner?

Cyn said...

I have nothing relevant to add, except that I'm still laughing at the mental image of a shark in an evening gown wearing lipstick (although my imagined shark looks a tad too much like Charlie Tuna in drag.)

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Wow! I learned something new about you today. That said, knowing your a JAG fan isn't bad. Now, if you said you were a Baywatch fan, we might have to reevaluate our friendship. ;-)

Truth be told, I liked watching JAG. Catherine Bell? Vaa-vaa-voom!

Claire said...

Never watched JAG, but your post made me laugh because a few years ago a little old lady co-worker was always recommending it to me.

NCIS won me over once I finally gave it a chance.

And I still have my framed Magnum PI poster (although it's presently hanging behind a shelving unit in the basement- must find place of prominence for it some day). Don't anybody go dissing my Magnum.

Have you seen his Jesse Stone tv movies? (Based on Robert Parker books I think) That character's the best Selleck has ever done imo.

And have you noticed the various Magnum nods in NCIS? Makes me like the latter even better.

BeechwoodAve said...

Say it isn't so, (meru)-Jo!

Well, at least you're not hooked on "Touched By An Angel" or something equally frightening... right?

Beech

Speener said...

I have to admit to setting up Magnum for a series recording once I realized it was on the Sleuth network. A case of my eyes being to big for my stomach, I quickly realized I would never watch them.

Jag on the other hand - you don't even have the excuse of wanting to see Catherine Bell in a bathing suit. (Although if I were a woman, I'd still like to see her in a bathing suit - or at least like to think that)

Merujo said...

You know, speaking as a straight chick, I can still appreciate the good looks of other women. Having never been in the "physically attractive" category, I look at conventionally pretty women and think, "Okay, I would *really* like to look like her or her or her..." Catherine Bell? That would be just fine by me. If anyone knows where I can line up to sell my soul, let me know! ;)

Scholiast said...

My name is scholiast and I like David James Elliot. A lot... I didn't know he was Canadian, but that explains a lot ;)

JAG isn't on here anymore, or I'd be watching it still. With you on the aviator / lawyer thing _and_ the uniforms. What's not to like, really?

Apart from the psychic thing. Well, I never got that far...

Glad to hear I'm not alone in this world :o)

Ceilisundancer said...

You're right -- he is hot. REALLY hot. I didn't know this show was still on-- she's gone psychic? She was great w/out that. And I thought I saw the almost last show, too.......
(Then again, I COULD pick up a t.v. guide, or watch t.v., albeit I can't afford to pay for cable right yet/now.)
Okay, that image of David sure beats the image I had reading your most recent entry about that elderly guy at CVS. Nah, I'll focus on David instead, kay?