Thursday, May 25, 2006

Feeling Lost

I just spoke with my brother Ed. He's not doing well.


I'm understating things with those words.

Ed's doing very poorly. He's in the worst level of heart failure you can have and still be alive. One of my sisters just took him back to the hospital. Another sister, Nurse Rachet, passed her cellphone to him to speak with me. I could tell it was taking all his energy to talk, and I could feel the strange heaviness of his fragile mortality through the line. It weighed my hand down. So I did what I do in such circumstances - I prattled away cheerfully.

"Did you see 'Lost' last night, Ed? Whaddya think? Is Locke still alive? Did Desmond really bring the plane down?" I tried to get him enthused. "Lost" and "Amazing Race" are two of his simple pleasures, along with his treasured volumes of science fiction. But he simply couldn't find the energy.

"I'm so tired," he said, his voice so weary and distant, it sounded like it was coming from far off in another world. He told me about the painful and intrusive things the doctors want to do to try to save his disease-ravaged body. Depressed, he said again, "I'm just so tired." Each word took so long to come out. I could count my own breaths between syllables.

Then he said this, which broke my heart: "If I ever come home again, I'll try to finish watching 'Lost', and we can talk about it. If I ever come home."

This day had promise. Now, it is diminished.

Seeking some light in the coming dark,



Kate said...

One of the hardest things in life is the death of a loved one.....and he knows you love him from that conversation.

Beth in Colorado said...

So, so sorry to read this. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Even with some experience, dealing with a loved one in seriously failing health never gets any easier.

Mr. W said...

Just blog surfin'... you really have a moving blog. It touchin' reading real raw thoughts... I hope your bro gets better. When he does, tell him to read Ender's Game... one of the best Sci-Fi's ever.

Loracs said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. All parts of this process suck, but I especially hate when I get to the point of being scared they will die and being equally scared they won't die. I've been at this point with family and a few friends. When some have backed away from death's door, I can breath again. When they pass through that door; breath resumes, shallow and grieve filled, but breath nevertheless.

May the best of all outcomes apply here. May you both get to kvetch about the season's ending of "Lost."

suze said...

no words...,

just (((BIG HUGS)))

Cyn said...

So sorry to read this. I hope that somehow things have taken a turn for the better since this post.

Spencer said...

Sorry to hear your brother is in pain.

My thoughts are with you.