Saturday, November 11, 2006

It's, ummm, like, too much

I'm more human today than I've been in many days. I got a decent night's sleep, my hair loss seems to have slowed, I finally got my hair trimmed (thank god), it's 75 degrees outside, and I'm in the coffee shop with a killer iced mocha latte (thank you, customer loyalty point freebies!) and free wifi.

All is - for one brief shining moment - good.

Except for the Gen-X/Y/Z valley girl behind me. "Ummm, like, my dad was all, 'You can't go out dressed like that.' And I was, ummm like, all 'You, like, totally suck, Dad.' And, ummm like, he was all in my face. And - ewww, like, your ringtone, like, it sucks. What is that? Rap? Ummm, like rap sucks!"

She's a tiny thing in the tightest black jeans I've ever seen in my whole life and a red spandex belly tank top, decorated in glitter and the word "Hottt." It's possible that her clothing is so tight it's squeezing all other words out of her vocabulary while giving her a full-body yeast infection at the same time.

Okay. That was mean. Sorry.

Oh hell, wait. I'm on a roll. For the record, "Hottt" isn't a word, unless you are Paris Hilton. And, since no genitalia has been exposed yet here in Fab Java Central, I doubt that, ummm like, this chick is Paris Hilton. (And I'm grateful for that - I think there's a requirement to close down and spray the place after an infestation of Hilton.)

I may never use the word "like" ever again after today. I may no longer be able to say, "I like that." I will have to say things akin to "that pleases me" or "I enjoy your company" just to avoid using "like."

Ummm, like, I'm just kidding. But seriously, could someone come duct tape this chickie's mouth shut? I think she's making the milk in my latte curdle.

I think I'm channeling the anti-Mary Tyler Moore today:

She can shut your world down with a sneer
She can take an upbeat place, and suddenly fill it with real fear
And it's you girl, and you should know it
With your "ummm likes" and little belly red shirt you show it
Loathing's all around, no need to fake it
You're making me go nuts, my sanity - you take it
I wish you'd leave here, after all
You're gonna make me crawl the wall

(And if you're old enough to be able to put the music to those words, I applaud you!)

I think I need a coffee refill. That will fix things.

And earphones. Yep. That'll do it...


Heather Meadows said...

I sang along in my head :)

(Although I must confess that I watched The Mary Tyler Moore Show on Nick at Nite. And do you know what's on Nick at Nite now? Freaking Fresh Prince! That show doesn't seem all that old...;_;)

Anyway...other than the airhead chippie, sounds like a lovely time :)

Claire said...

Hilarious. And yes, MTM by way of Nick at Nite for me too... back when NaN was cool.

I could totally hear her voice in my head- you transcribed it so well. I'm sure I use 'like' and 'totally' too much but hopefully a big word here or there balances it out.

In the meantime, here's to good days!

Anonymous said...

MTM was my idol growing up. She's the reason I became a journalist. Did you pen that right there? That was great!

Merujo said...

When I was a freshman in college, my first week on campus, one of the geography profs, David Lanegran (who would end up as one of my advisors) took a bunch of us on an "urban geography" tour of the Twin Cities. The tour ended on Nicolette Mall, where the famous MTM hat throw happened. We all brought hats and tossed them in the air. It was pretty cool, actually.

And, yep, Erika, I wrote that right there as it came to me - took about two minutes. I couldn't do that sort of thing in "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" speed - ever. But I'm still fairly fast at coming up with silly rhymes. :-)

Anonymous said...

mmmmmm, free latte... ;)

and i love the mtm theme takeoff. too funny...

spocko said...

Did you ever read Anne Lamotts story about running into a girl like that waiting for an elevator?
It is great and funny and she gets pissed and compassionate at the same time. If you haven't heard it or read it let me know, I'll dig it up. I'll find it for you.

It reminds me of when my friend was with his wife to be when they were on the way to work. He stoped the car right as a young woman walked in front of them. 'Well excuseeeee me little Miss Size 2. Soooo sorry we might have cause you to late for work.' Anyway it was funny because this size 2 woman was the new receptionist who was just a sweet as could be. She was so stunning that random women would just instantly take a dislike to her. It didn't help that she came across as ditzy either. I once asked a woman in the office, "What do you have against Grace?" "She gives women a bad name." I didn't pursue the question further.

Merujo said...

I think I need to point out, it's not that the woman in the coffee shop was tiny or attractive that was bothering me. It was her torture of the English language (down to and including "Hottt") that bothered me. That was the point of this post. Her questionable choice of fashion (ultra-tight, camel-toe pants and the "Hottt" shirt) just added to the "I'm, ummm, like, a twit" message her speech offered.

I want to be very clear I have nothing against petite girls or beautiful women. However, Valley Girl talk does make me want to climb a bell tower and start shooting... it makes even bright people seem dim. And who needs that?

Janet Kincaid said...

Did you know that there's now a statue of Mary Tyler Moore (aka Mary Richards) tossing her beret on a corner in downtown Minneapolis? Somewhere I have a picture. I'll find it and post it.

As for the Valley Girl, like, ummmm, eueww. GROSS!

Scholiast said...

My sister spent a year in the States when she was 17-18, and came back sounding like that. (It's even worse translated, believe it or not..) And had platinum blond hair. And a few other (to us) weird new habits, like shaving her legs... (I was 12 at the time. In Norway 12-year-olds don't shave their legs. Possibly because of the cold...?)

But she lost the umm,like-disease in just a few weeks, and has turned out a nice person regardless ;)