Monday, April 23, 2007

One Square Dealer

I just read some entries from Sheryl Crow and Laurie David's Stop Global Warming Tour blog, via Drudge and the Washington Post. Here's my fav-o-rite entry, posted by Crow on April 19th:

"I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required."

Riiiiight. One square of toilet paper.

Maybe Ms. Crow only requires one square of toilet paper, but I reckon most people need more than that. Seriously. Would you even want to touch the doors of bathroom stalls in a "one square only" world? No freaking way!

Look, there were times in Russia when I was stuck in disgusting public toilets - and I really, really mean disgusting - with no toilet paper whatsoever. I carried little pocket packs of Kleenex with me, but when they ran out, I used whatever paper I had in my purse. Nasty. Grim. And always -at the maximum - the equivalent of a "one square" affair. Not good and sometimes really... just bad. When that was coupled with a non-functioning sink or no soap??? Well, you get the picture. Pretty nasty. And this was in the pre-Purell days.

I have a better idea. How about no more actual, physical Sheryl Crow cds? Make her a download only gal. That should suit her environmentally friendly needs! Think of all the paper that will save in booklets and tray liners! Or, she could have her cd materials printed on recycled toilet paper. After all - cd booklet pages are just about the dimensions of a nice sheet of TP. And, that way, if Ms. Crow's next cd blows, you can show your opinion by using "one square" on your baby-soft bottom. Even better, with that awful recycled paper, you'll likely give yourself a rash and be able to announce to all who care, "$15.99 for a cd with only one decent song? Wow, that really chaps my ass!"

I have nothing against Sheryl Crow, by the way. I own three of her cds. I just find the "one square only" idea fairly unrealistic and unsanitary - trust me, I've lived the results.

Why not start with banning junk mail? I take a box of that crap down to the recycling bin at least once a week.

I'll be keeping my Cottonelle, thanks.


gonzomantis said...

I distinctly remember a family meeting from my childhood. None of us new what it was about, even Mom. It was especially odd because we didn't have family meetings. Anyway, Dad announces that there is now a "one square" policy in effect. The good news is that Mom struck down the policy before the meeting was over. Thanks Mom!

Anonymous said...

Repeating over and over in my head is Elaine from Seinfeld saying "can you spare a square", "just a square". -Sasquach's sister

Anonymous said...

There are also brands of recycled sanitized paper toilet paper, and note that I did not write that it uses recyclyed toilet paper. Not terrible. Wonder what she'd think of YOUR idea?

Janet Kincaid said...

Having worked for the American Forest & Paper Association on tissue issues, no less, I use to have a bumper sticker in my office that said, "If you are opposed to logging, try using plastic toilet paper."

In truth, it is appalling the number of trees that are flushed down the toilet every year, but when it comes to personal hygiene, it's hard to convince consumers to allow recycled content TP to touch their more "delicate" parts, shall we say? Despite having worked for AF&PA, I'm with you. Eliminate needless paper waste by doing away with direct mail and catalogs and leave my bum waddy alone!

Heather Meadows said...

And, that way, if Ms. Crow's next cd blows, you can show your opinion by using "one square" on your baby-soft bottom. Even better, with that awful recycled paper, you'll likely give yourself a rash and be able to announce to all who care, "$15.99 for a cd with only one decent song? Wow, that really chaps my ass!"

Absolutely brilliant :D

I am all for outlawing junk mail. Of course, that would be very hard to enforce. Did the customer ask to receive that menu guide, or not? Is that an actual letter from their credit card company, or is it an offer? You could try cutting people with bulk mail off at the post office or wherever they offload that ridiculous amount of mail, I suppose.

I bet eliminating bulk mail postage rates would be a good prohibiter too.

Someone I know converted to Islam a few years back, and she says they don't use toilet paper because it's not sanitary enough. Instead, they wash after each potty break. I kind of like that idea, but I'm not sure how it would be accomplished in my day-to-day life. It's not like I have a portable shower in my purse.

Anonymous said...

Outlawing junk mail is good...using it as toilet paper is even better (unless it's the glossy kind).

I agree on that one square thing...I know I tend to go overboard on toilet paper, but my method is a lot less scary than one-square.

Why not make it mandatory for everyone to have a bidet in their home?

author said...

I never knew she was so dim ...

Let me just say that my definately worst, horrid and gag-inducing awful toilet experience was in indeed also in Russia (St. Petersburg) - not only was there no paper - the toilet was clogged with smelly ... stinkin'... *gag* ... I can't go on... * gag*

But it was better than peeing in my own pants (I guess - though I'm not sure, really)

Anonymous said...

PS: I also think Sheryl's sitting that way in her photo to dry out her butt.

Anonymous said...

I just love the thought of her sitting on the toilet trying to come up with the best way to save the planet when brilliance struck.

I tell you what, knowing that only 25% of people wash their post bathroom visits, and allowing my imagination to conceive of most people adhering to the one square rule...I may never shake a hand again.

Dwacon said...

Save paper altogether... just grab the family feline... it is self-cleaning.