Friday, September 09, 2005

Note to Self

Some things I realized this evening:

1. No matter how tasty greasy Cajun spice french fries are, they are very, very bad for you, and they will just sit in your gut and smack your gall bladder around like a leaking punching bag.

2. Really big cheeseburgers: same deal. Oh - and avoid adding fried onions unless you wish to belch fire from the depths of hell all night. (Perhaps that is too much information. Forgive me.)

3. If you find a screaming deal on gas and fill your tank for under thirty bucks (jeeezus), the next block will have two stations with lower prices.

4. I don't care how super low the prices are, Wal-Mart is a Hellmouth and is to be avoided. The parking lot is the River Styx and the condemned wail all around you. If you make it out alive, you will have the urge to bathe in a tub of Purell when you get home. The Wal-Mart in Germantown, Maryland is clearly based on the Mos Eisley "wretched hive of scum and villany" model. Indeed, you must be cautious. (Because I am a total goober, I just ran "Wal-Mart sucks" through the anagram generator and discovered this gem, which, considering Wal-Mart's policy on music and DVDs, is marvelously appropriate: LACKS RAW SMUT.)

5. No matter how hard I try, my hair is always going to be a giant frizzball on my head. Uncontrollable, unsightly, and just plain bizarre. I really should give up and shave it all off. It would save me a lot of money on shampoo, conditioner, and hair color. (But I'm afraid people might comment on that big "666" thing behind my one ear... Hmmm...)

6 comments:

supersymetry said...

Just had to say I LOVED your description of Wal-Mart :) I generally refer to it as Hell-Mart and the imagery you conjured in my mind is awesome.

Sasquatch said...

I keep telling you: those are nines.

Spencer said...

Jeeze - have you ever seen the Ruby Tuesday burgers? They're not just bigger than my mouth, they're about the size of my head - which is considerable.

AJ Gentile said...

You are SO right. The last time I went to Wal-Mart I was accosted by one of their demonic, ham-fisted, inbred "greeters."

"Welcome to Wal-Mart, my name is Cerebus."

Ack! Stay back you blue-vested beast! Your closeouts and bargains are no match for my cunning!

Oh, $8 for 50 CDRs? Really? Hmmm...

Merujo said...

Supersymetry: Hell-Mart is a great name. We call our local grocery story Shoppers Food Hell.

Sasquatch: YOUR head has the nines, baby. Unless your skin was just attached upside down...

Spencer: These burgers were from Five Guys - holy crap, they were great, but we had no idea that the basic burger was actually a double burger. My arteries are still crackling...

AJ: See? That's why Hell is so seductive! Satan has low, low prices! Damn him!

Libertine said...

Heh, I like your sense of humor.