Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Yes, we all see your penis, and it's very nice.

Now, put it away, please.

There's a tiny side street in downtown Bethesda - just a block long - right off Wisconsin Avenue. It's home to a 7-11 on one side and some craptacular little "luxury" apartments on the other. I looked at those apartments once - the one bedroom, with chipped, awful parquet flooring, was the most claustrophobic living space I'd ever encountered. The sleeping quarters were not large enough for a bed and a dresser. The entire flat only had one small closet. When I asked if there was any additional storage in the building, the young woman from the rental office laughed nervously:

"Ahah hah hah... well, ahah hah... no, there's no more storage, ahah hah hah, but you know, if you have more stuff than would fit in this unit, well, then you have too much stuff, ahah hah hah... then, you're not living, you're just collecting, ahah hah hah..."

Ahah hah this, chickie - for $1650 a month, I want to be able to walk between the sofa and TV without turning sideways. Ugh.

Tonight I stopped in at the (non-Hellmouth) 7-11 to get a lottery ticket. Lord knows, I could use the cash right now. As I pulled in to the tiny lot, I saw him: a studly youngish man pacing back and forth in front of Chez Merde Luxury Living. Stud Boy had a Maserati. A very nice, metallic grey, brand spankin' new Maserati.

And Stud Boy needed to be seen. Oh, great jump-roping jeezus, did he ever need to be seen! Why he was parked at Chez Merde, I will never know, but this is the hilarious part: every single time a pedestrian walked by, he hit the alarm and posed in front of the car. When the ped was gone, he turned the alarm off.

I was fascinated.

I sat in my car outside 7-11 for fifteen minutes, just to see how many times Stud Boy would work his alarm magic.


10 times.

10 times in fifteen minutes he turned on the alarm and posed for passers-by! (In between, he'd rub at imaginary smudges on the car - at one point, he hunkered down with his back to me, and I had the unfortunate view of his buttcheeks poking out of his jeans. Thanks, Stud Boy.) It was, all at once, hilarious and sad. Very sad. One woman walking into the 7-11 looked at him, rolled her eyes and giggled to her companion, making the universal monkey spank-wank gesture.

I assume someone in the apartment building finally complained to the police (I would have been dumping crap off the balcony onto his hood after the fifth alarm 'n' pose, frankly.) A patrol car showed up, and Stud Boy, his head hung low, sadly got in the Maserati and drove away.

Now, I love a nice, fast, expensive car as much as the next fool. (I think I'd be utterly uncomfortable in most of them, but that's besides the point - they're cool-looking!) But here's the deal - if you buy a $120K car, and you're just trying to show it off to commuters stopping for a Slurpee and a MegaMillions ticket, you just should have your keys taken away from you. Plain and simple. You're quite possibly too stupid to own a mega-luxury sports car.

Ah well. Maybe he was just getting his confidence up...

Godspeed, Stud Boy. May you find greener pastures to display your manhood! Might I suggest the new row of uber-high-end shops in Chevy Chase? There's a spot between Louis Vuitton and Jimmy Choo with your name on it.


Washington Cube said...

He definitely needs to be hanging down at that end of Wisconsin. I know the 7-11 you mean. What a hoot. Reminds me of this gym I belonged to in Georgetown. This one guy was rich, granted, and he had a Lamborghini. He always had it parked outside, and you could see all of the young men drooling over it. Then some of the trainers told me he paid prostitutes to sleep with him..he was such an ugly creep with the worst personality...and he paid them a LOT of money, even bought them houses, I was told. He finally sold the car. It proved too worrisome to own, and the insurance on it was insane. Can you imagine being that rich and women who are your peers don't even want to be with you?

Cyn said...

Nice title :) Now sit back and see what strange searches you will find on your hit list. (This from personal experience, after a recent blog showed me that a whole heck of a lot of people do searches for "nude model" and "penis enlargement.")

Janet Kincaid said...


If this wasn't so utterly funny, it would be pathetic. Or maybe it's the other way around...

Poor Stud Boy. It's obvious his 2x4 is off plumb...

Heh heh heh!

Claire said...

Even though you've given me a reason for his behavior, I'm still completely missing the logic behind it.

That's probably a good thing. :]

Spencer said...

I don't know - if I had a $120K penis, eer car.... oh nevermind.

Seriously - I would be showing the damn thing off. Not sure about the 7-11, but surely a Wawa.

Spencer said...

...as for the last comment I made "Seriously - I would be showing the damn thing off. Not sure about the 7-11, but surely a Wawa."

the car not the penis - had the clear that up ;)

Merujo said...

HAHAHAHAHA! You just made me laugh very, very loudly in my office, Spencer.

You know, in Iowa, there's a chain of Wawa-type gas'n'go places called... (wait for it...) Kum & Go. Now, there's a place to show off the penis-mobile!!


Shafa said...

After reading the title, I was afraid to read this post.

alwswrite said...

Actually, we can't see his penis, because it's very very tiny, and probably not very nice, which is why he's posing in front of the Maserati in the first place. My theory (TM DAC 2006) about men in cars like those: Over 50 (years) or under 5 (inches). Seriously, it never fails. Try it out.

Mansard said...

You wrote, "Ahah hah this, chickie - for $1650 a month, I want to be able to walk between the sofa and TV without turning sideways."

And it got even better from there!

Thanks for the laugh!I would have sat there and watched him, too, shaking my head.