Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Ever have one of those days when, no matter what you say, you stick your foot in your mouth so many times you're surprised it hasn't come through the back of your head?
That's the way I feel tonight. And I'm confused and really bummed out about it because I deal in words all day. Usually I'm pretty good at it.
But not today. I started to cry in the office around 7:30 tonight, but had to pull it together to go home. Sometimes, when the words are broken, I wish I could just mindmeld with people so they could get a better feel for what I'm experiencing. But I can't, regrettably. Not being Vulcan. Or an old guy who likes to take photos of nude chicks. (And those last two words, Mr. Wizard, are why this entry will pop up on Google searches by young, horny guys the world 'round for the next six months.)
So, what do I do tonight?
I cried again when I got home, just kinda flipping out over the lack of control I currently feel in my life. I stopped myself from welling up, and just tried to breathe. Now, my entire body hurts and I feel nauseated: eye + stress + frustration = Mr. Toad's Wild Nausea Ride. I would give just about anything to feel more together right now.
What do I do?
I'm spending tonight in silence. I feel like it will benefit me just to be calm and quiet. No TV, no radio. Simply me and the dishes in the kitchen. And then bed. Maybe I'll try to read myself to sleep - something I haven't attempted since the eye went all wonky.
Perhaps, tomorrow, my words will return in a way that won't cause me or anyone else any stress or grief. It's so frustrating to not be understood clearly.
I should be better at This Thing Called Life.
I just feel like a total flop tonight.