Late last night, I could not sleep. Pretty much the norm for me these days. Flipping channels I came across "Adventures in Babysitting." It's a fun 80s movie, with an interesting cast - Elizabeth Shue, Penelope Ann Miller, a very young Bradley Whitford as a complete asshat. Even has Clark "Homicide" Johnson in that great role "Black Gang Leader." Yes, a proud moment for a really talented actor. The best part of the film is Vincent D'onofrio as the mechanic Dawson who might also be the mighty Thor. His entire part in the film lasts, maybe, two-three minutes, but he certainly cut quite the stunning figure:
Yes, believe it or not, that blond god is Vincent D'onofrio.
This Vincent D'onofrio:
Wow, huh? Don't get me wrong, ah luvs me mah Vincent D'onofrio. It's just a pretty amazing change over time. Of course, Vincent holds the Guiness record for most weight gained by an actor for a film - 80+ lbs for "Full Metal Jacket." Private Pyle is one serious m-f'ing actor, kids.
But I digress...
I fell asleep on the end of the film and woke up to late night home shopping on Oxygen. Yes, "Adventures in Babysitting" was showing on Oxygen. 80s squeaky clean teen movie. Cute and family-friendly.
Unlike the home shopping Oxygen featured immediately following the fuzzy, funny fare.
Sex toys. Lots and lots of sex toys. Really expensive sex toys.
Until last night, I had no idea there were vibrators embedded with mp3 players. Or ones that light up with pretty LED lights. (I wasn't quite clear on that one - I mean, is it for use in very dark spaces, like one of those orange flashlights for directing aircraft?) The best one? (Your definition of "best" may vary.) It's an "Internet-ready" vibrator that can be remotely controlled by someone on the other side of the planet.
Can you imagine the nightmare of a vibrator hacker?
Not cool, man. Just not cool.
Of course, I watched with great fascination. Actually, I think it's pretty cool that it's a very straightforward show, presented with no titilation. The female hosts could be selling commemorative coins, they were so mellow. They were dressed like normal folks and it was clearly women-friendly. They even had segregated toll free ordering numbers specifically for men and for women. "Ladies," one of the hosts chirped, "When you call your toll-free number, there will be a woman at the end of the line to take your order." I noticed they didn't say anything about the men's toll-free number. I imagine there are women at the end of that line, too.
What amused me most is that the hosts are holding up dildos and vibrators that look exactly like veiny penises, yet they would say things like, "And you know where to put these, ladies." I'm like, wait - you have no problem holding up a wobbling, rubbery penis, but you can't actually use the terminology that might go along with the receiving end of these critters? Maybe there's some strange FCC late-night TV law against that. "You can show the enormous, anatomically accurate phallus, but don't use any words for the hoo-hah, okay?"
The strangest thing they showed? Jesus, it actually ooged me out. It's this device called "Aria's Pleaser." I am posting the most tasteful photo of it that I could find. Honestly, a still photo doesn't do this thing justice. It's a pink rubber sheath that looks like the lower half of a human head. It has a nose, a jaw... and a wide open mouth with a battery-operated tongue waving around inside. I stared at it as they turned on the tongue and was horrified. It looked like a birth defect rather than a sex toy. Some stop motion demon straight out of a Wes Craven film. I may actually need therapy.
And, because I'm not going there alone, here's a photo of this sucker (as it were):
Now, just imagine that tongue lolling around and making the whole thing move.
Good luck sleeping tonight, kids. If you have nightmares, blame Oxygen! That's what I'm doing!
(You can blame my mechanic for this post. If my car had been ready, I was going to drive up to the state fair in Timonium today. Instead, you get creepy sex toys and comparison photos of Vincent D'onofrio.)