Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Genital Insecurity, the Sequel

Back in April, I wrote an entry about this car I saw parked in downtown Bethesda. It was a new silver Mercedes with vanity plates and a metal nutsack hanging down below the bumper. (These abominations are called Bumper Nuts. 'Nuff said.) I wondered who the hell was so insecure he had to hang a big aluminum scrotum on his car.

I found out tonight. Some schmuck pulled a U-turn directly in front of me, forcing me to slam on my brakes and nearly plant my face into the windshield. As this weasel boy pulled past me, he smirked and laughed. He was wearing sunglasses (at 10:00 at night - how lame and Corey Hart is that?)and a baseball cap turned backwards and had a studied "I am sooo hot" layer of stubble on his chin.

What else did he have? Why, a silver Mercedes with vanity plates and metal testicles swinging in the breeze!

Ah-ha!

Damn! At last I've seen him! And he is, indeed, just what expected a Bumper Nuts customer to be: a big loser who wears sunglasses at night and spins turns in front of oncoming traffic. Schmuck.

The evil half of me wants to post his vanity plate, but I know that would be wrong. I'll just have to file it away. Sasquatch, dude - I hate to tell you - I think he lives in your 'hood...

8 comments:

Sasquatch said...

Post his plate. I'll keep an eye out for this loser. It's public domain info anyway. Why not make it just a little more public?

Merujo said...

BRODER. DC plate. Weasel boy. Grrr. He came very, very close to splattering us both right at Battery and the Pike.

Spencer said...

I will say that people that think they're cool - make the best comedy (when they're not out causing traffic accidents). Honestly - don't you get a laugh at these people? Better yet, they don't know how fucking lame they are.

Merujo said...

Spencer, you are sooo right.

I went to the high school prom with a guy who really, really thought he was cool. (He was so far from cool, it was terrifying.) After the prom, where he did a spastic Napoleon Dynamite-does-musical theater dance routine, he drove us to a restaurant out on the Mississippi River.

He had his father's old Caddy, and before getting in the car, he put on his Member's Only jacket and whipped out a pair of fold-up sunglasses. It was pitch black outside, of course, but that didn't stop him from wearing them.

He was weaving all over the road, since he couldn't see the lines, and, when we got to the restaurant, he didn't see the big dark-colored car in front of us and he drove up onto it. In front of at least 20 people.

In retrospect, it's hilarious. At the time, I was mortified. He had absolutely no idea how fucking lame he truly was. (Don't ask me what I was smoking to agree to go with him!!)

NewYorkMoments said...

Most of the evil in the world is perpetrated to compensate for SPC (small penis syndrome). I thank God everyday that I was born a woman.

Spencer said...

Oh let's not turn this into a man bashing moment. I've come to believe that whomever is in charge will become corrupt or evil over time; Power corrupts - absolute power corrupts absolutely.

So basically if women had replaced men as ruling the world these past 20 centuries, the evils of the world would be different, but there would still be evils. We all have it in ourselves to be evil.

But yes, some men embarrass my gender on a whole.

Lauren said...

I laughed so hard reading this post that my roommate came running downstairs to check on me b/c she thought I was crying! Hysterical!

Anonymous said...

All that money and no brains to go with it. Now, that is the real tragedy...

I would gladly relieve him of his wealth so that he is free to loiter on street corners. Not that he isn't spending a great deal of time already on street corners selling dope to little kids, I mean isn't that what men that wear sunglasses at night ACTUALLY do for a living???

I have only seen the auto scrotum thing once, and it was on a jacked up pick-up truck - which seemed appropriate in a "red neck" sort of way... matched the naked lady mud-flappers nicely.

SJL